It was weird that I had this dream about 20 hours ago and it didn't even hit me until 20 minutes ago.
It was of this potential life that I'd always fantasized about having. It was the encompassing of all of these crazy daydreams and scenarios of a life that I'd always claimed that I could've had. My dream was a reinforcement that it was never anything I could've had or ever came close to having. My dream reminded me that this "other life" was actually a dream itself.
It let me know that this is the only life I'd ever lived or ever will live, and it pounded at me that this fantasy life would never come true. The heartbreak I felt years ago came back, and everything felt identical to the way it used to. It was years of pain hitting me all at once, and it was a reminder that I needed to stop living in my dreamworld and get back the fuck in reality. I really can't believe that this all happened while I was sleeping.
My "other life" was dangling in front of me, mocking me, reminding me that it wasn't real and it never was. I haven't experienced that heartbreak in so many years when I was young. But it wasn't the girl that was breaking my heart this time. It was reality kicking me in the gut. After being dangled in front of me, the other life just vanished before my eyes. It was the worst feeling I've felt in a long time.
It felt like God broke my heart.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Blog Time!
Oh Good Lord it's been a long time since I have used "I" in a post! I, I, I! Fuck yes, I can cuss, too. For those of you who have been seeing how much I've pimped out my examiner.com page, I'm not allowed to use "I" or cuss in it because it's a pretty professional online news site. It's awesome. The pay isn't that great, but getting paid at all to review movies is a lot of fun. I really do wish that I had a real job though so that I can have a stable income and do this on the side.
I really kind of regret that "Hello World Pt. Infinity" title I have up there. I think it's pretty ingenious, honestly, but like a fish in the water, if you live in it long enough, water's no longer special. You see the Hello World Pt. Infinity everyday that it loses its luster. Everytime I go to update a blog, which isn't very often anymore, I feel like saying hello to the world again. But that stupid title has already done it and nobody cares. Just a little thing that bugged me.
There's really been nothing to write about. I've written a million words about the whole Conan/Leno fiasco that went down this month, and sadly, that was all that was new in "my" life. I meant to write a full-fledged entry on that alone, but I just couldn't find the words. It upset me more than people think. Not about how Conan was treated, but because somebody could do something so shitty publicly and have so many defenders. It's kind of silly to get so hung up over entertainment news, but entertainment is everything to me. I do take it too seriously and it does make me angry. That's because it matters to me.
I'll update more when I have something substantial to say. I just really wanted to say hi to everybody and anybody that still (or ever) read/reads this. Goodbye, folks. And unfortunately, I'm going to pimp out my site one more time. Gotta make some money, man.
I really kind of regret that "Hello World Pt. Infinity" title I have up there. I think it's pretty ingenious, honestly, but like a fish in the water, if you live in it long enough, water's no longer special. You see the Hello World Pt. Infinity everyday that it loses its luster. Everytime I go to update a blog, which isn't very often anymore, I feel like saying hello to the world again. But that stupid title has already done it and nobody cares. Just a little thing that bugged me.
There's really been nothing to write about. I've written a million words about the whole Conan/Leno fiasco that went down this month, and sadly, that was all that was new in "my" life. I meant to write a full-fledged entry on that alone, but I just couldn't find the words. It upset me more than people think. Not about how Conan was treated, but because somebody could do something so shitty publicly and have so many defenders. It's kind of silly to get so hung up over entertainment news, but entertainment is everything to me. I do take it too seriously and it does make me angry. That's because it matters to me.
I'll update more when I have something substantial to say. I just really wanted to say hi to everybody and anybody that still (or ever) read/reads this. Goodbye, folks. And unfortunately, I'm going to pimp out my site one more time. Gotta make some money, man.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Optimism
I'm sure everybody thinks about this every now and then. How crazy is it that we lived through a millennium ten years ago? Not the primitive one, either, but the 2001 millennium. How quickly time flies. How crazy is it that we were born at THIS time when we could've been born any other time since humans came into being? Not only did we live through a millennium, but ten years later, the technology we have blows everything we used to have out of the water. Cell phones are huge. Internet went from dial-up to DSL/Cable, and it got to the point ever so quickly that if you didn't have broadband, you were left behind. Now we have wireless Internet. We have the Internet on our phones. The entire world and everything in history is LITERALLY at our fingertips. We LIVE in this era. Most likely, the people that are reading this are in America, a place that people literally die trying to go to. We don't live in a third world country. Our very worst worst day on this country will most likely be better than the very best day of some other places in the world. How crazy is that? We live through a millennium, the influx of crazy technological advances, where the free flowing of information is infinite, in a country that gives us so much freedom and opportunity, in a place where things will only get better. It's tough to grasp this everyday, especially when you're lamenting about something bad that happened to you, but today, looking back on the decade, I didn't realize how lucky all of us really have it.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I woke up in the middle of the night. So disoriented. Where was I? What the hell was going on? It's such a weird feeling to wake up at 4 in the morning for no particular reason, maybe from a dream you can't remember. For a minute after this disorientation, I would sometimes be struck by life. Reality would hit me harder than Chris Brown. I thought about my ex from three years ago, and all the stuff we did together. Was that real? Are my friends real? I can't believe some of them have been around for 17 years. I can't believe that I exist. I fucking exist. How trippy is that?
There's a computer next to me. My cell phone is on my table, always on silent so that I could be surprised whenever somebody contacts me via phone or text. It always felt like opening a present when I saw the phone lit up indicating that I got a text message. Happy present, Ron. Hi, you do exist. I am contacting you through technology, even though it doesn't feel real sometimes. I am real, too. Remember who you are? You're on Earth. Remember? You aren't sure about anything. Remember? This is life. Oh yeah, that's right. This is life. It's 4 in the morning. I'm in my room. I own a cell phone. I have many friends. I haven't had a girlfriend in two years.
Oh, right. This is my room. I couldn't recognize it because I was disoriented and my glasses were off, plus it's 4 in the fucking morning and the lights are off. Oh, right. I'm Ron. That kind of sucks.
All of these thoughts which I had guestimated--which is a stupid word, because guess or estimate would suffice instead of combining the two words--to be a minute were probably more like 10 seconds. That feeling that life is such a miracle, that I had been born again, and not in the religious sense, but born as a 23 year-old who just woke up for the first time. Jesus Christ I wish that the feeling lasted longer than 10 seconds. Why can't it last 10 months, 10 days, 10 MINUTES?
Oh, right. Life is a miracle, but some miracles can suck. At least I'm funny. That would suck worse than suck if I were boring. I wonder how boring people live with themselves. That must suck worse than being Ron.
I chuckled to myself before I headed back to sleep.
There's a computer next to me. My cell phone is on my table, always on silent so that I could be surprised whenever somebody contacts me via phone or text. It always felt like opening a present when I saw the phone lit up indicating that I got a text message. Happy present, Ron. Hi, you do exist. I am contacting you through technology, even though it doesn't feel real sometimes. I am real, too. Remember who you are? You're on Earth. Remember? You aren't sure about anything. Remember? This is life. Oh yeah, that's right. This is life. It's 4 in the morning. I'm in my room. I own a cell phone. I have many friends. I haven't had a girlfriend in two years.
Oh, right. This is my room. I couldn't recognize it because I was disoriented and my glasses were off, plus it's 4 in the fucking morning and the lights are off. Oh, right. I'm Ron. That kind of sucks.
All of these thoughts which I had guestimated--which is a stupid word, because guess or estimate would suffice instead of combining the two words--to be a minute were probably more like 10 seconds. That feeling that life is such a miracle, that I had been born again, and not in the religious sense, but born as a 23 year-old who just woke up for the first time. Jesus Christ I wish that the feeling lasted longer than 10 seconds. Why can't it last 10 months, 10 days, 10 MINUTES?
Oh, right. Life is a miracle, but some miracles can suck. At least I'm funny. That would suck worse than suck if I were boring. I wonder how boring people live with themselves. That must suck worse than being Ron.
I chuckled to myself before I headed back to sleep.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Big Bear
My apologies for anybody that is accessing this page expecting a story about a gigantic bear.
Anyway, my first trip to Big Bear was a lot of fun. I didn't do much but did do more than I thought I would. I brought a DVD player, a book, a notebook/pen, none of which I used during my time there. I brought my notebook and pen expecting to garner some inspiration of the new surroundings, thinking that maybe the snow and the mountains would give me a heightened sense of living to write. None of that happened. I pictured myself being like one of those poets during Transcendentalism or Emile Hirsch on Into the Wild but I should've known that that's simply not me. Imagery has never been my strong suit. The reason why my fiction lacks any sort of imagery is that I can't write it. I never really care about what my surroundings are. I'm always in my own little world in my head. I'm good at writing emotions and making up emotional situations and realistic dialogue, but it lacks description. My notebook that was to be filled with a log of my time in Big Bear is nonexistent.
I feel like I'm living life backwards. Sure, it was a LOT of fun playing in the snow and having a big dinner with some very close friends of mine, but experiencing NEW things should be with a significant other. I've always said that you should be happy with who you are so that you can enjoy your own company, and I still stand by that. However, life is much more fulfilling when you've got somebody else with you. I think that being by yourself is a LUXURY, not what life SHOULD be. What I mean by this is that you should be with somebody that you love being with and then when you FINALLY have time for yourself, you should embrace it and LOVE it because you don't have that luxury so much anymore. And now that you're happy with yourself, you don't find yourself being clingy to your significant other. That's a luxury. What I have with my life is that I'm living my whole life by myself as a luxury to the point where I don't miss being alone anymore. I'm happy with myself but I can't just spend all time with myself all day everyday. It would be nice to have somebody that I can share new things with, spend time apart from, and love being by myself again.
Sure, I'm happy with myself, and I'm fine being alone. But god dammit, even I get sick of me sometimes.
Anyway, my first trip to Big Bear was a lot of fun. I didn't do much but did do more than I thought I would. I brought a DVD player, a book, a notebook/pen, none of which I used during my time there. I brought my notebook and pen expecting to garner some inspiration of the new surroundings, thinking that maybe the snow and the mountains would give me a heightened sense of living to write. None of that happened. I pictured myself being like one of those poets during Transcendentalism or Emile Hirsch on Into the Wild but I should've known that that's simply not me. Imagery has never been my strong suit. The reason why my fiction lacks any sort of imagery is that I can't write it. I never really care about what my surroundings are. I'm always in my own little world in my head. I'm good at writing emotions and making up emotional situations and realistic dialogue, but it lacks description. My notebook that was to be filled with a log of my time in Big Bear is nonexistent.
I feel like I'm living life backwards. Sure, it was a LOT of fun playing in the snow and having a big dinner with some very close friends of mine, but experiencing NEW things should be with a significant other. I've always said that you should be happy with who you are so that you can enjoy your own company, and I still stand by that. However, life is much more fulfilling when you've got somebody else with you. I think that being by yourself is a LUXURY, not what life SHOULD be. What I mean by this is that you should be with somebody that you love being with and then when you FINALLY have time for yourself, you should embrace it and LOVE it because you don't have that luxury so much anymore. And now that you're happy with yourself, you don't find yourself being clingy to your significant other. That's a luxury. What I have with my life is that I'm living my whole life by myself as a luxury to the point where I don't miss being alone anymore. I'm happy with myself but I can't just spend all time with myself all day everyday. It would be nice to have somebody that I can share new things with, spend time apart from, and love being by myself again.
Sure, I'm happy with myself, and I'm fine being alone. But god dammit, even I get sick of me sometimes.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Louis C.K.: The Best Comedian of the 2000s.
I vaguely remember stand-up comedy in 2001 when I was depressed and always yearning for a laugh. I’d always put on Comedy Central Presents, and I remembered two different jokes that had always made me laugh more than anybody else at the time. I did not realize that these two jokes were from the same person. I did not remember his name because he was not well-known at the time. One of his jokes was about bank fees and how they charge you money for not having any money. The joke is so simple, but it is the premise and the perspective that makes it so funny. The delivery is conversational and stream of consciousness at the same time. Here’s a short clip of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hjqy2lJ5yoU .
A few years later, I was watching Late Night with Conan ‘O Brien and I heard a bit from the same comedian who understood parents yelling at their kids because his daughter was using the word “why?” in excess to the point where hours later, his answers are so abstract that he no longer knows who he is anymore. He begins saying things in response to “why?” like “well because some things ARE and some things are NOT.” “Why?” “Because things that are NOT can’t BE.” “Why?” “Because then NOTHING wouldn’t BE, you can’t have NOTHING ISN’T, everything IS.” “Why?” “Oh just shut up and eat your fries!” I still didn’t know this guy’s name, much less that it was the same comedian. When I finally heard the “why?” bit on a Comedy Central special (which I later learned was Louis C.K.: One Night Stand from HBO), I was determined to look him up and search for his comedy. I found the DVD of his HBO Special “Shameless” which still stands as my favorite standup special of all-time (inching out Dave Chappelle’s “Killing Them Softly” of 2000). I watched the DVD, laughing at how dark and honest his humor was, mixing neurotic behavior like Woody Allen or Larry David, dark humor like George Carlin, and non-sequitur comedy like (insert comedian here, except Dane Cook). It was such a good special that Ricky Gervais discovered Louis C.K. through YouTube watching clips of this special and cast him as a best friend character in the film The Invention of Lying. Another thing remarkable about the special is that it did NOT contain the “why?” joke that I had been searching for. He later reveals in a DVD Extra of his next Showtime special “Chewed Up” that he does not repeat material; he goes around the country and starts out with brand new material each time until he builds up enough to come up with a new special from scratch. That’s a sign of a true comedian. He does not rely on his star status or past jokes to use as a crutch.
Recently, Louis C.K. has become more of a household name than ever. While appearing on Late Night with Conan ‘O Brien as a guest, he was there to promote his special "Shameless" which was to air a few days after his appearance. Oftentimes, comedians go on the show and promote their special by using jokes from it on the audience, but that’s not what Louis C.K. does here. "Shameless" was taped in March of 2008, and his appearance on Conan was in October, so he had already been working on a new special that will air in 2010 entitled “Hilarious.” He does not use a single joke from "Shameless" during his entire guest spot. He had already moved on from that material and gone on to the next special already. This video of his aforementioned appearance has exploded on the Internet scene. You might’ve seen it. It’s called “everything’s amazing and nobody’s happy.” It made him an overnight sensation. Here’s the clip if you’ve been living under a rock: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk .
This newfound fame has made him a comedian’s comedian. He has recently played Amy Poehler’s hilarious love interest in the NBC series Parks and Recreation. His new special “Hilarious” will actually be released as a film instead of an HBO or Showtime hour long special. This “Hilarious” special (and I did attend one of the shows on his “Hilarious” tour, and it is the most I’ve ever laughed at a comedy show) does contain a very extended version of the hit YouTube video. Also, it has been selected by the Sundance film festival. He also has a new TV deal for FX. His show debuts in March of 2010. Louis C.K. has been doing standup comedy for about two decades now and it is about time that he gets the recognition he deserves. By the time the 10’s (?) roll around, I predict that his FX show Louie will catch on by word-of-mouth and he will either be a household name or a cult favorite. Either way, Louis C.K., from his observational and honest approach in the early 2000s, to his observational and honest approach after getting married, having children, and then divorced which created a much darker sense of humor in the process, is the best comedian of the decade.
Note: The 2000s was also a huge, huge year for Dave Chappelle who has probably exploded on the scene more than anybody and became more of a household name than almost any celebrity during the peak of his hit series Chappelle's Show. I understand that he is also a strong contender in this and it was a very, very close call.
Dane Cook, as much of a hack as he has become with his sold-out shows in Boston and MSG with thousands of screaming girls and repeated jokes, also made a huge contribution to comedy with his double-disc Retaliation which was undeniably a fantastic album no matter what you think of him today. Bill Burr and Demetri Martin are a couple of other comedians that are very worth looking into.
A few years later, I was watching Late Night with Conan ‘O Brien and I heard a bit from the same comedian who understood parents yelling at their kids because his daughter was using the word “why?” in excess to the point where hours later, his answers are so abstract that he no longer knows who he is anymore. He begins saying things in response to “why?” like “well because some things ARE and some things are NOT.” “Why?” “Because things that are NOT can’t BE.” “Why?” “Because then NOTHING wouldn’t BE, you can’t have NOTHING ISN’T, everything IS.” “Why?” “Oh just shut up and eat your fries!” I still didn’t know this guy’s name, much less that it was the same comedian. When I finally heard the “why?” bit on a Comedy Central special (which I later learned was Louis C.K.: One Night Stand from HBO), I was determined to look him up and search for his comedy. I found the DVD of his HBO Special “Shameless” which still stands as my favorite standup special of all-time (inching out Dave Chappelle’s “Killing Them Softly” of 2000). I watched the DVD, laughing at how dark and honest his humor was, mixing neurotic behavior like Woody Allen or Larry David, dark humor like George Carlin, and non-sequitur comedy like (insert comedian here, except Dane Cook). It was such a good special that Ricky Gervais discovered Louis C.K. through YouTube watching clips of this special and cast him as a best friend character in the film The Invention of Lying. Another thing remarkable about the special is that it did NOT contain the “why?” joke that I had been searching for. He later reveals in a DVD Extra of his next Showtime special “Chewed Up” that he does not repeat material; he goes around the country and starts out with brand new material each time until he builds up enough to come up with a new special from scratch. That’s a sign of a true comedian. He does not rely on his star status or past jokes to use as a crutch.
Recently, Louis C.K. has become more of a household name than ever. While appearing on Late Night with Conan ‘O Brien as a guest, he was there to promote his special "Shameless" which was to air a few days after his appearance. Oftentimes, comedians go on the show and promote their special by using jokes from it on the audience, but that’s not what Louis C.K. does here. "Shameless" was taped in March of 2008, and his appearance on Conan was in October, so he had already been working on a new special that will air in 2010 entitled “Hilarious.” He does not use a single joke from "Shameless" during his entire guest spot. He had already moved on from that material and gone on to the next special already. This video of his aforementioned appearance has exploded on the Internet scene. You might’ve seen it. It’s called “everything’s amazing and nobody’s happy.” It made him an overnight sensation. Here’s the clip if you’ve been living under a rock: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk .
This newfound fame has made him a comedian’s comedian. He has recently played Amy Poehler’s hilarious love interest in the NBC series Parks and Recreation. His new special “Hilarious” will actually be released as a film instead of an HBO or Showtime hour long special. This “Hilarious” special (and I did attend one of the shows on his “Hilarious” tour, and it is the most I’ve ever laughed at a comedy show) does contain a very extended version of the hit YouTube video. Also, it has been selected by the Sundance film festival. He also has a new TV deal for FX. His show debuts in March of 2010. Louis C.K. has been doing standup comedy for about two decades now and it is about time that he gets the recognition he deserves. By the time the 10’s (?) roll around, I predict that his FX show Louie will catch on by word-of-mouth and he will either be a household name or a cult favorite. Either way, Louis C.K., from his observational and honest approach in the early 2000s, to his observational and honest approach after getting married, having children, and then divorced which created a much darker sense of humor in the process, is the best comedian of the decade.
Note: The 2000s was also a huge, huge year for Dave Chappelle who has probably exploded on the scene more than anybody and became more of a household name than almost any celebrity during the peak of his hit series Chappelle's Show. I understand that he is also a strong contender in this and it was a very, very close call.
Dane Cook, as much of a hack as he has become with his sold-out shows in Boston and MSG with thousands of screaming girls and repeated jokes, also made a huge contribution to comedy with his double-disc Retaliation which was undeniably a fantastic album no matter what you think of him today. Bill Burr and Demetri Martin are a couple of other comedians that are very worth looking into.
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