I woke up in the middle of the night. So disoriented. Where was I? What the hell was going on? It's such a weird feeling to wake up at 4 in the morning for no particular reason, maybe from a dream you can't remember. For a minute after this disorientation, I would sometimes be struck by life. Reality would hit me harder than Chris Brown. I thought about my ex from three years ago, and all the stuff we did together. Was that real? Are my friends real? I can't believe some of them have been around for 17 years. I can't believe that I exist. I fucking exist. How trippy is that?
There's a computer next to me. My cell phone is on my table, always on silent so that I could be surprised whenever somebody contacts me via phone or text. It always felt like opening a present when I saw the phone lit up indicating that I got a text message. Happy present, Ron. Hi, you do exist. I am contacting you through technology, even though it doesn't feel real sometimes. I am real, too. Remember who you are? You're on Earth. Remember? You aren't sure about anything. Remember? This is life. Oh yeah, that's right. This is life. It's 4 in the morning. I'm in my room. I own a cell phone. I have many friends. I haven't had a girlfriend in two years.
Oh, right. This is my room. I couldn't recognize it because I was disoriented and my glasses were off, plus it's 4 in the fucking morning and the lights are off. Oh, right. I'm Ron. That kind of sucks.
All of these thoughts which I had guestimated--which is a stupid word, because guess or estimate would suffice instead of combining the two words--to be a minute were probably more like 10 seconds. That feeling that life is such a miracle, that I had been born again, and not in the religious sense, but born as a 23 year-old who just woke up for the first time. Jesus Christ I wish that the feeling lasted longer than 10 seconds. Why can't it last 10 months, 10 days, 10 MINUTES?
Oh, right. Life is a miracle, but some miracles can suck. At least I'm funny. That would suck worse than suck if I were boring. I wonder how boring people live with themselves. That must suck worse than being Ron.
I chuckled to myself before I headed back to sleep.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Big Bear
My apologies for anybody that is accessing this page expecting a story about a gigantic bear.
Anyway, my first trip to Big Bear was a lot of fun. I didn't do much but did do more than I thought I would. I brought a DVD player, a book, a notebook/pen, none of which I used during my time there. I brought my notebook and pen expecting to garner some inspiration of the new surroundings, thinking that maybe the snow and the mountains would give me a heightened sense of living to write. None of that happened. I pictured myself being like one of those poets during Transcendentalism or Emile Hirsch on Into the Wild but I should've known that that's simply not me. Imagery has never been my strong suit. The reason why my fiction lacks any sort of imagery is that I can't write it. I never really care about what my surroundings are. I'm always in my own little world in my head. I'm good at writing emotions and making up emotional situations and realistic dialogue, but it lacks description. My notebook that was to be filled with a log of my time in Big Bear is nonexistent.
I feel like I'm living life backwards. Sure, it was a LOT of fun playing in the snow and having a big dinner with some very close friends of mine, but experiencing NEW things should be with a significant other. I've always said that you should be happy with who you are so that you can enjoy your own company, and I still stand by that. However, life is much more fulfilling when you've got somebody else with you. I think that being by yourself is a LUXURY, not what life SHOULD be. What I mean by this is that you should be with somebody that you love being with and then when you FINALLY have time for yourself, you should embrace it and LOVE it because you don't have that luxury so much anymore. And now that you're happy with yourself, you don't find yourself being clingy to your significant other. That's a luxury. What I have with my life is that I'm living my whole life by myself as a luxury to the point where I don't miss being alone anymore. I'm happy with myself but I can't just spend all time with myself all day everyday. It would be nice to have somebody that I can share new things with, spend time apart from, and love being by myself again.
Sure, I'm happy with myself, and I'm fine being alone. But god dammit, even I get sick of me sometimes.
Anyway, my first trip to Big Bear was a lot of fun. I didn't do much but did do more than I thought I would. I brought a DVD player, a book, a notebook/pen, none of which I used during my time there. I brought my notebook and pen expecting to garner some inspiration of the new surroundings, thinking that maybe the snow and the mountains would give me a heightened sense of living to write. None of that happened. I pictured myself being like one of those poets during Transcendentalism or Emile Hirsch on Into the Wild but I should've known that that's simply not me. Imagery has never been my strong suit. The reason why my fiction lacks any sort of imagery is that I can't write it. I never really care about what my surroundings are. I'm always in my own little world in my head. I'm good at writing emotions and making up emotional situations and realistic dialogue, but it lacks description. My notebook that was to be filled with a log of my time in Big Bear is nonexistent.
I feel like I'm living life backwards. Sure, it was a LOT of fun playing in the snow and having a big dinner with some very close friends of mine, but experiencing NEW things should be with a significant other. I've always said that you should be happy with who you are so that you can enjoy your own company, and I still stand by that. However, life is much more fulfilling when you've got somebody else with you. I think that being by yourself is a LUXURY, not what life SHOULD be. What I mean by this is that you should be with somebody that you love being with and then when you FINALLY have time for yourself, you should embrace it and LOVE it because you don't have that luxury so much anymore. And now that you're happy with yourself, you don't find yourself being clingy to your significant other. That's a luxury. What I have with my life is that I'm living my whole life by myself as a luxury to the point where I don't miss being alone anymore. I'm happy with myself but I can't just spend all time with myself all day everyday. It would be nice to have somebody that I can share new things with, spend time apart from, and love being by myself again.
Sure, I'm happy with myself, and I'm fine being alone. But god dammit, even I get sick of me sometimes.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Louis C.K.: The Best Comedian of the 2000s.
I vaguely remember stand-up comedy in 2001 when I was depressed and always yearning for a laugh. I’d always put on Comedy Central Presents, and I remembered two different jokes that had always made me laugh more than anybody else at the time. I did not realize that these two jokes were from the same person. I did not remember his name because he was not well-known at the time. One of his jokes was about bank fees and how they charge you money for not having any money. The joke is so simple, but it is the premise and the perspective that makes it so funny. The delivery is conversational and stream of consciousness at the same time. Here’s a short clip of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hjqy2lJ5yoU .
A few years later, I was watching Late Night with Conan ‘O Brien and I heard a bit from the same comedian who understood parents yelling at their kids because his daughter was using the word “why?” in excess to the point where hours later, his answers are so abstract that he no longer knows who he is anymore. He begins saying things in response to “why?” like “well because some things ARE and some things are NOT.” “Why?” “Because things that are NOT can’t BE.” “Why?” “Because then NOTHING wouldn’t BE, you can’t have NOTHING ISN’T, everything IS.” “Why?” “Oh just shut up and eat your fries!” I still didn’t know this guy’s name, much less that it was the same comedian. When I finally heard the “why?” bit on a Comedy Central special (which I later learned was Louis C.K.: One Night Stand from HBO), I was determined to look him up and search for his comedy. I found the DVD of his HBO Special “Shameless” which still stands as my favorite standup special of all-time (inching out Dave Chappelle’s “Killing Them Softly” of 2000). I watched the DVD, laughing at how dark and honest his humor was, mixing neurotic behavior like Woody Allen or Larry David, dark humor like George Carlin, and non-sequitur comedy like (insert comedian here, except Dane Cook). It was such a good special that Ricky Gervais discovered Louis C.K. through YouTube watching clips of this special and cast him as a best friend character in the film The Invention of Lying. Another thing remarkable about the special is that it did NOT contain the “why?” joke that I had been searching for. He later reveals in a DVD Extra of his next Showtime special “Chewed Up” that he does not repeat material; he goes around the country and starts out with brand new material each time until he builds up enough to come up with a new special from scratch. That’s a sign of a true comedian. He does not rely on his star status or past jokes to use as a crutch.
Recently, Louis C.K. has become more of a household name than ever. While appearing on Late Night with Conan ‘O Brien as a guest, he was there to promote his special "Shameless" which was to air a few days after his appearance. Oftentimes, comedians go on the show and promote their special by using jokes from it on the audience, but that’s not what Louis C.K. does here. "Shameless" was taped in March of 2008, and his appearance on Conan was in October, so he had already been working on a new special that will air in 2010 entitled “Hilarious.” He does not use a single joke from "Shameless" during his entire guest spot. He had already moved on from that material and gone on to the next special already. This video of his aforementioned appearance has exploded on the Internet scene. You might’ve seen it. It’s called “everything’s amazing and nobody’s happy.” It made him an overnight sensation. Here’s the clip if you’ve been living under a rock: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk .
This newfound fame has made him a comedian’s comedian. He has recently played Amy Poehler’s hilarious love interest in the NBC series Parks and Recreation. His new special “Hilarious” will actually be released as a film instead of an HBO or Showtime hour long special. This “Hilarious” special (and I did attend one of the shows on his “Hilarious” tour, and it is the most I’ve ever laughed at a comedy show) does contain a very extended version of the hit YouTube video. Also, it has been selected by the Sundance film festival. He also has a new TV deal for FX. His show debuts in March of 2010. Louis C.K. has been doing standup comedy for about two decades now and it is about time that he gets the recognition he deserves. By the time the 10’s (?) roll around, I predict that his FX show Louie will catch on by word-of-mouth and he will either be a household name or a cult favorite. Either way, Louis C.K., from his observational and honest approach in the early 2000s, to his observational and honest approach after getting married, having children, and then divorced which created a much darker sense of humor in the process, is the best comedian of the decade.
Note: The 2000s was also a huge, huge year for Dave Chappelle who has probably exploded on the scene more than anybody and became more of a household name than almost any celebrity during the peak of his hit series Chappelle's Show. I understand that he is also a strong contender in this and it was a very, very close call.
Dane Cook, as much of a hack as he has become with his sold-out shows in Boston and MSG with thousands of screaming girls and repeated jokes, also made a huge contribution to comedy with his double-disc Retaliation which was undeniably a fantastic album no matter what you think of him today. Bill Burr and Demetri Martin are a couple of other comedians that are very worth looking into.
A few years later, I was watching Late Night with Conan ‘O Brien and I heard a bit from the same comedian who understood parents yelling at their kids because his daughter was using the word “why?” in excess to the point where hours later, his answers are so abstract that he no longer knows who he is anymore. He begins saying things in response to “why?” like “well because some things ARE and some things are NOT.” “Why?” “Because things that are NOT can’t BE.” “Why?” “Because then NOTHING wouldn’t BE, you can’t have NOTHING ISN’T, everything IS.” “Why?” “Oh just shut up and eat your fries!” I still didn’t know this guy’s name, much less that it was the same comedian. When I finally heard the “why?” bit on a Comedy Central special (which I later learned was Louis C.K.: One Night Stand from HBO), I was determined to look him up and search for his comedy. I found the DVD of his HBO Special “Shameless” which still stands as my favorite standup special of all-time (inching out Dave Chappelle’s “Killing Them Softly” of 2000). I watched the DVD, laughing at how dark and honest his humor was, mixing neurotic behavior like Woody Allen or Larry David, dark humor like George Carlin, and non-sequitur comedy like (insert comedian here, except Dane Cook). It was such a good special that Ricky Gervais discovered Louis C.K. through YouTube watching clips of this special and cast him as a best friend character in the film The Invention of Lying. Another thing remarkable about the special is that it did NOT contain the “why?” joke that I had been searching for. He later reveals in a DVD Extra of his next Showtime special “Chewed Up” that he does not repeat material; he goes around the country and starts out with brand new material each time until he builds up enough to come up with a new special from scratch. That’s a sign of a true comedian. He does not rely on his star status or past jokes to use as a crutch.
Recently, Louis C.K. has become more of a household name than ever. While appearing on Late Night with Conan ‘O Brien as a guest, he was there to promote his special "Shameless" which was to air a few days after his appearance. Oftentimes, comedians go on the show and promote their special by using jokes from it on the audience, but that’s not what Louis C.K. does here. "Shameless" was taped in March of 2008, and his appearance on Conan was in October, so he had already been working on a new special that will air in 2010 entitled “Hilarious.” He does not use a single joke from "Shameless" during his entire guest spot. He had already moved on from that material and gone on to the next special already. This video of his aforementioned appearance has exploded on the Internet scene. You might’ve seen it. It’s called “everything’s amazing and nobody’s happy.” It made him an overnight sensation. Here’s the clip if you’ve been living under a rock: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk .
This newfound fame has made him a comedian’s comedian. He has recently played Amy Poehler’s hilarious love interest in the NBC series Parks and Recreation. His new special “Hilarious” will actually be released as a film instead of an HBO or Showtime hour long special. This “Hilarious” special (and I did attend one of the shows on his “Hilarious” tour, and it is the most I’ve ever laughed at a comedy show) does contain a very extended version of the hit YouTube video. Also, it has been selected by the Sundance film festival. He also has a new TV deal for FX. His show debuts in March of 2010. Louis C.K. has been doing standup comedy for about two decades now and it is about time that he gets the recognition he deserves. By the time the 10’s (?) roll around, I predict that his FX show Louie will catch on by word-of-mouth and he will either be a household name or a cult favorite. Either way, Louis C.K., from his observational and honest approach in the early 2000s, to his observational and honest approach after getting married, having children, and then divorced which created a much darker sense of humor in the process, is the best comedian of the decade.
Note: The 2000s was also a huge, huge year for Dave Chappelle who has probably exploded on the scene more than anybody and became more of a household name than almost any celebrity during the peak of his hit series Chappelle's Show. I understand that he is also a strong contender in this and it was a very, very close call.
Dane Cook, as much of a hack as he has become with his sold-out shows in Boston and MSG with thousands of screaming girls and repeated jokes, also made a huge contribution to comedy with his double-disc Retaliation which was undeniably a fantastic album no matter what you think of him today. Bill Burr and Demetri Martin are a couple of other comedians that are very worth looking into.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Hi world! This is a more optimistic version of myself. I just wasn't doing a whole lot so I started thinking a lot and guess what? English majors should NEVER THINK. EVER. It is an awful, awful place to be in. This is not arrogance. This is a strange altogether self-deprecation + morally superior commentary. Other majors teach you how to problem-solve things at the core. English as a major does not teach you how to actually SOLVE anything. It teaches you how to INTERPRET ONE PROBLEM 235169877 WAYS. So you lament and your despair becomes more poignant! Thank you abstract thinking. You've made my mild problem into a CATASTROPHE. I have liberal arts to thank. ::holds up trophy::
Or, I myself am just a drama queen and I'm projecting this idea to everybody else. I don't think so, though. I'm pretty sure I'm right because I'm pretty much right about everything.
Or, I myself am just a drama queen and I'm projecting this idea to everybody else. I don't think so, though. I'm pretty sure I'm right because I'm pretty much right about everything.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Things I Care About More Than Michelle Obama
I didn't actually watch the special, but I've read that Michelle Obama was voted as the most fascinating person of 2009. I had to check the calendar because I was only 99% sure that it was December something instead of April 1st. What the fuck has Michelle Obama done in 2009? No, let's reword that for oversensitive liberals who might read this. What NEWSWORTHY thing has she done in 2009? Seriously. The last thing I heard about Michelle Obama is that she goes around in sleeveless clothing. Is that a criteria now? So if Adam Lambert was sleeveless when he pushed a guy's head into his crotch, he'd be #1? But he wasn't sleeveless, just CLASSLESS!! HAHAHA! GET IT?!
Anyway, not to sound too much like Dr. Cox, but here's to give you an idea about how little I care about Michelle Obama. If I had to have an x-axis of things I care about from least important to most important, left to right, it would probably be wrestling all the way on the right, just a tad bit above family, friends, and our troops. On the other side, all the way on the left, it would be "stories about your shitty cat" which admittedly is an old stand-up comedy routine but I'll sacrifice comedic originality for more comical realism this time. So to recap, I care about wrestling MUCH more than Michelle Obama, but I care about Michelle Obama slightly more than I do about stories about your shitty cat. A few things that I also find more fascinating than Michelle Obama are global warming, Cougar Town, Sarah Palin's book tour, receiving a drink on Mafia Wars, Carrie Underwood's Christmas special, the Dallas Cowboys, and the swine flu.
Anyway, not to sound too much like Dr. Cox, but here's to give you an idea about how little I care about Michelle Obama. If I had to have an x-axis of things I care about from least important to most important, left to right, it would probably be wrestling all the way on the right, just a tad bit above family, friends, and our troops. On the other side, all the way on the left, it would be "stories about your shitty cat" which admittedly is an old stand-up comedy routine but I'll sacrifice comedic originality for more comical realism this time. So to recap, I care about wrestling MUCH more than Michelle Obama, but I care about Michelle Obama slightly more than I do about stories about your shitty cat. A few things that I also find more fascinating than Michelle Obama are global warming, Cougar Town, Sarah Palin's book tour, receiving a drink on Mafia Wars, Carrie Underwood's Christmas special, the Dallas Cowboys, and the swine flu.
Goodbye Facebook, Hello Lady GaGa?
So I have more time to do stuff now. It amounts really to nothing. Anyway, I was watching The O'Reilly Factor and Barbara Walters was on discussing the top 10 fascinating people of 2009 and spoke very highly of Lady GaGa and I'd heard so many good things about her but I was so trapped in my ignorant hate of her that I refused to listen to any of her music. That boycott that nobody cared about or brought on came to an end when I listened to her album and liked it, which really annoyed me. I hate liking things that I'm supposed to hate. That's actually the story of my life. Girls, music, whatever.
Okay I am done.
Okay I am done.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
When did I become invisible? Why does it feel like nobody gives a shit what I say or do anymore? How come everything that I do doesn't seem to matter anymore? Why do I try to hard to make connections with people that don't seem to care? God damn I've become this victimology emo guy that I hate as of late. It fuckin' sucks. Fuck.
I just want to make a fuckin connection with somebody. I'm so god damn motherfuckin' sick of being so patient and empathetic. Fuckin' god dammit.
Feel free to make fun of this post all you want. At least I'll know that somebody reads this fuckin' bullshit blog of mine.
I just want to make a fuckin connection with somebody. I'm so god damn motherfuckin' sick of being so patient and empathetic. Fuckin' god dammit.
Feel free to make fun of this post all you want. At least I'll know that somebody reads this fuckin' bullshit blog of mine.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
It Sucks Coming Home
It doesn't really suck staying home all day by yourself. I do that quite often. I wake up, watch TV, eat, sometimes read, run, and do all the essential things. On some days, I'll go the whole day without barely saying a word. I'll mutter a few things to my parents, and then I'm locked up in my room. It isn't that bad. Maybe because I'm so used to my own solitude. Maybe I'm just so sick of people. I just wish that I can hate so many, but I don't because the fact that I still want to hate them means that I'm just very angry at them, which means I still care for them. How crappy is that. Who wants to deal with people? To paraphrase a conversation between Elaine and Jerry from Seinfeld, I hate people; they're the WORST.
The most awful feeling I get is when I've gone out, remembering how sociable I can be, making those around me laugh. Everybody seems to love me in those moments of laughter, or at least know that I exist. I hate it when it ends. I go home, hang up all my clothes, with either the TV or my music on in the background right away, because the silence just kills me. It reminds me of my place in the world. Everything's so damn lonely, and if I had just stayed at home, I would've remembered that instead of getting my hopes up with the ridiculous notion that I'm not alone. How naive of me to think so.
I feel like I would rather just stay home the whole day so that I won't have to come home later.
The most awful feeling I get is when I've gone out, remembering how sociable I can be, making those around me laugh. Everybody seems to love me in those moments of laughter, or at least know that I exist. I hate it when it ends. I go home, hang up all my clothes, with either the TV or my music on in the background right away, because the silence just kills me. It reminds me of my place in the world. Everything's so damn lonely, and if I had just stayed at home, I would've remembered that instead of getting my hopes up with the ridiculous notion that I'm not alone. How naive of me to think so.
I feel like I would rather just stay home the whole day so that I won't have to come home later.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Doormats and Apologies
No matter how non-confrontational I am, conflict never ceases to arise. That is just what happens when you are dealing with people in a sociable society. I've been called a drama magnet by people before, and I always thought there was something fatally wrong with me. The truth is, I'm emotional and sociable, so conflict will happen to me as long as I am the way that I am. I have strong opinions and I'm honest about them. Even when I try to have as much tact as I can, people will still hate me. It's something I've never been able to fully accept, and one of the things about myself that I need to fix. I like finding out things wrong about me and fixing them. I don't believe that people are honest with themselves enough to accept fault when it's there.
But with this honesty with myself, I have to be careful not to be a doormat. As much as I wish for people not hating me, I really despise people for getting mad at me over mundane things, like telling a joke at an inappropriate time. Sure, that sounds like a good enough reason to be upset or annoyed with me, but if I have had a good track record of listening, being reassuring, legitimately caring, can't you just let one time slide by? I think the misconception that a lot of girls have is that "guys just don't care" which may be true for the guys YOU talk to, but when you talk to ME, I bet you I listen to all that stuff with way more care than a lot of "guys" do, or what-have-you, and when you are upset over me over one incident, because you think that is somehow representative of how much I care about you entirely (which is not a lot because I told a joke at a bad time), then you are sorely mistaken, and I am highly offended. Just because I'm nice and wish people did not hate me does not mean that I'll be a doormat for such a ridiculous reason to be upset with me. Yes, it does upset me more. And yes, it is because I am more emotional, and because I care way, way too much.
I have to be fair, though, and say that the rant in the above text is not the original intent of this entry. I try so hard not to offend and hurt others. It may be for selfish reasons, who knows? But when I think about how I've hurt anybody, I really am sorry about that. Sure, if it's a result of comedy, it will be a different analysis which is separate from this. But I do think back at how I overstepped my bounds with a couple of people in my life, one that I used to talk to a lot before I stupidly told her about some sexual dream I had about her thinking that it was no big deal, and now we're no longer in touch. There's a possibility that this is one big coincidence, but I don't think so. If I had known that it would make her feel uncomfortable in any way, I would've never said it. It makes me feel awful now thinking back on it, and it just further fulfills this terrible guilt I have over my years at Regal and my subsequent firing. I feel like such a creep, and I hate feeling like that. I wish that people knew how hard I try to never ever overstep my bounds, which gets accusations from others that I'm too shy. I just fear that when I'm not, I'll go too extreme the other way and it'll cause much discomfort and ultimately cost a friendship, which it did. Another person I feel like I overstepped my bounds with a lot is a girl in high school that I was never close to, but I always felt like I came on way too strong to her because she was very attractive, I was 17, and I wasn't as considerate as I am now, especially when it came to joking and flirting. I didn't realize how much I had probably creeped her out six years ago until I tried to add her on Facebook last year, with our 40+ mutual friends, and she denied my request, or the cold greeting she gave me at Target a few months ago. I don't know what to do. I don't want to die alone, which I'm so deathly afraid of, but I'm equally if not more afraid than ever making a girl feel uncomfortable again. I just wish sometimes that I can apologize to everybody for everything that I ever did. Being sorry is all I have sometimes.
But with this honesty with myself, I have to be careful not to be a doormat. As much as I wish for people not hating me, I really despise people for getting mad at me over mundane things, like telling a joke at an inappropriate time. Sure, that sounds like a good enough reason to be upset or annoyed with me, but if I have had a good track record of listening, being reassuring, legitimately caring, can't you just let one time slide by? I think the misconception that a lot of girls have is that "guys just don't care" which may be true for the guys YOU talk to, but when you talk to ME, I bet you I listen to all that stuff with way more care than a lot of "guys" do, or what-have-you, and when you are upset over me over one incident, because you think that is somehow representative of how much I care about you entirely (which is not a lot because I told a joke at a bad time), then you are sorely mistaken, and I am highly offended. Just because I'm nice and wish people did not hate me does not mean that I'll be a doormat for such a ridiculous reason to be upset with me. Yes, it does upset me more. And yes, it is because I am more emotional, and because I care way, way too much.
I have to be fair, though, and say that the rant in the above text is not the original intent of this entry. I try so hard not to offend and hurt others. It may be for selfish reasons, who knows? But when I think about how I've hurt anybody, I really am sorry about that. Sure, if it's a result of comedy, it will be a different analysis which is separate from this. But I do think back at how I overstepped my bounds with a couple of people in my life, one that I used to talk to a lot before I stupidly told her about some sexual dream I had about her thinking that it was no big deal, and now we're no longer in touch. There's a possibility that this is one big coincidence, but I don't think so. If I had known that it would make her feel uncomfortable in any way, I would've never said it. It makes me feel awful now thinking back on it, and it just further fulfills this terrible guilt I have over my years at Regal and my subsequent firing. I feel like such a creep, and I hate feeling like that. I wish that people knew how hard I try to never ever overstep my bounds, which gets accusations from others that I'm too shy. I just fear that when I'm not, I'll go too extreme the other way and it'll cause much discomfort and ultimately cost a friendship, which it did. Another person I feel like I overstepped my bounds with a lot is a girl in high school that I was never close to, but I always felt like I came on way too strong to her because she was very attractive, I was 17, and I wasn't as considerate as I am now, especially when it came to joking and flirting. I didn't realize how much I had probably creeped her out six years ago until I tried to add her on Facebook last year, with our 40+ mutual friends, and she denied my request, or the cold greeting she gave me at Target a few months ago. I don't know what to do. I don't want to die alone, which I'm so deathly afraid of, but I'm equally if not more afraid than ever making a girl feel uncomfortable again. I just wish sometimes that I can apologize to everybody for everything that I ever did. Being sorry is all I have sometimes.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Dying
Crazy how the mind wanders sometimes when one can't sleep. The other day, I was thinking bitterly about how badly I'd been treated by so many people in my life. I was pretty angry at the world for some pretty trivial reasons, like how I couldn't sleep and how I couldn't move because I was afraid I would wake up the dog. So my mind just went through all the people and all the things they did to me. And then I thought about a good friend of mine, a really really good friend, who had always told me about all of her guy problems, and I would tell her about all of my girl problems. I thought about how we lost contact after she started her first real relationship, how I'd told her about it, and how she'd expressed her sorrow about it to a friend of hers, but never really apologized to me. She did apologize for being a bad friend, but just went about doing what she had always been doing. Let me ask you this: what is the point of apologizing for anything if you're just going to keep doing it? If there's one thing that I can't stand more than inconsiderateness it's disingenuousness. I got so angry at her because she had hurt me so bad, and even angrier that she had told my friend about it which undoubtedly made me look like a drama queen.
I was already so angry thinking about all the other people, but my anger fixated on her. I was thinking about how I would act when I next saw her, about how she would be excited to see me, and how all the anger I'd felt for the past year over losing a good friend would spew out. I would angrily ask her why she acts like she cares about me. She would get sad. I would tell her that she's dead to me. And I would hope that it would devastate her. I fantasized about how I would die after saying that, and how awful she would feel, and hoping that I could see in the afterlife, getting my passive aggressive revenge on her by dying and making her live the rest of her life in guilt. I was so mad at her.
And then I wondered if that would even be a revenge, or if I would ever see my own funeral? I wondered what happens when we die, and how it's all speculation. I thought about how I got this impending feeling of doom, like I was going to die that very night for jinxing myself, never thinking about anything ever again. I had always felt that there was a higher power, but then felt at that very moment that it was all lies. I lay in bed, thinking about how my last memory before I die would be of her and how bad she would feel, and how I would die knowing that and then never being. I would be gone.
I thought about how I would die one day, and how terrifying it was. I started tearing up at the thought that we're all mortals, and how terrifying the aftermath would be. I thought about how Hell would even be better, because I would still be living in some way. I thought about non-existence, and how it would feel like just sleeping forever. I thought about all the things I'd accomplished in my life, what I'm happy and unhappy about, and how all of it would become obsolete when I take my last breath and there would be nothing left for me in this world. I would be nothing. My brain would be dead. People would mourn and pray for me, but it would be too late, because I'd never see it. I almost cried thinking about this.
And then I fell asleep.
I was already so angry thinking about all the other people, but my anger fixated on her. I was thinking about how I would act when I next saw her, about how she would be excited to see me, and how all the anger I'd felt for the past year over losing a good friend would spew out. I would angrily ask her why she acts like she cares about me. She would get sad. I would tell her that she's dead to me. And I would hope that it would devastate her. I fantasized about how I would die after saying that, and how awful she would feel, and hoping that I could see in the afterlife, getting my passive aggressive revenge on her by dying and making her live the rest of her life in guilt. I was so mad at her.
And then I wondered if that would even be a revenge, or if I would ever see my own funeral? I wondered what happens when we die, and how it's all speculation. I thought about how I got this impending feeling of doom, like I was going to die that very night for jinxing myself, never thinking about anything ever again. I had always felt that there was a higher power, but then felt at that very moment that it was all lies. I lay in bed, thinking about how my last memory before I die would be of her and how bad she would feel, and how I would die knowing that and then never being. I would be gone.
I thought about how I would die one day, and how terrifying it was. I started tearing up at the thought that we're all mortals, and how terrifying the aftermath would be. I thought about how Hell would even be better, because I would still be living in some way. I thought about non-existence, and how it would feel like just sleeping forever. I thought about all the things I'd accomplished in my life, what I'm happy and unhappy about, and how all of it would become obsolete when I take my last breath and there would be nothing left for me in this world. I would be nothing. My brain would be dead. People would mourn and pray for me, but it would be too late, because I'd never see it. I almost cried thinking about this.
And then I fell asleep.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Hot Chicks and Comedians
So the other day, I had this epiphany. It was a pretty hot and slow day, which is usually where epiphanies come from. I was thinking of something I read a few years back about how to be a douchebag to get girls and it had this insight about how extremely attractive girls perceive their looks as a "curse" because they never know whether a guy really likes them for "them" or if it's because they're hot (the book tells you to use this to your advantage and make them feel insecure; it's Douchebag 101 and for the record, yes I've tried it, yes it works, yes it's generally on really stupid insecure girls, and no I haven't done it in years).
But honestly, I still couldn't wrap my head around this idea for a long time. When I was talking to several of my bajillion female friends, they would always make excuses for their own attractiveness, saying things like "oh guys would hit on anybody" or "guys are suckers who would fall for anybody who smiles at them" or "they're probably just being nice." I didn't get how an attractive girl can ignore her own attractiveness given that the entire world is telling them that they're more than average. So my epiphany, which sounds kind of boring at this point because I didn't know it would take me this long to make my point (and I only have an interesting title hook [and this tangent is killing more time]) that I don't believe people when they tell me I'm funny.
I remember performing for my Youth Group about a year and a half ago and how most of what I said was censored because, well, it was church, and they couldn't have me making fun of religion and/or political parties (it's church, by "political parties," I mean "the Republican party"). After the mass censorship, I improv'd a lot, and I gave a pretty mediocre set, but everybody was praising me, telling me how great I was. You see all the doubt in my words even a year and a half later? Telling you, the reader, that it's mediocre, ignoring the laughter, disbelieving the praise. Is it perfectionism, or is it insecurity? Maybe a mixture of both. But what I can tell you is that it makes me understand how girls feel when all they do is get complimented with how they look. All the compliments I get, all the handshakes, for whateve reason, make me feel so awkward after I've performed. I feel like people are lying to me to soften the blow, or lying to themselves so that they don't want me to feel bad for my mediocrity. Who knows? Maybe it's the same mentality on why girls are always making excuses for their looks. Maybe that's the same deep-rooted unexplainable insecurity.
You may have this natural inclination to not have any sympathy for an attractive girl because things come so easily to them, and maybe that's valid, but I do think that attractive girls do have a curse later on in life when it comes to matters such as being taken seriously or weeding out who's honest. Maybe my sympathy is too far-fetched, but sometimes, I feel as though people use me for my sense of humor, which sounds like an absurd thing to say. I do love it when I make people laugh, especially a pretty girl, but when it's all they want from me and all they want me to offer, I do feel very used like there is more to me than just jokes.
Comedy is a wonderful gift. Laughter can cure so many ails. It is one of the most things about myself that I'm proud of, my ability to make people laugh. But it only takes one person out of a crowd of hundreds to not find me amusing that all the insecurities start up again. I spend all of my time trying to get that person's approval. Once I get somebody's approval, I want them to see me as more. What kind of insecurities does that show, and what kind of way is that to live one's life?
But honestly, I still couldn't wrap my head around this idea for a long time. When I was talking to several of my bajillion female friends, they would always make excuses for their own attractiveness, saying things like "oh guys would hit on anybody" or "guys are suckers who would fall for anybody who smiles at them" or "they're probably just being nice." I didn't get how an attractive girl can ignore her own attractiveness given that the entire world is telling them that they're more than average. So my epiphany, which sounds kind of boring at this point because I didn't know it would take me this long to make my point (and I only have an interesting title hook [and this tangent is killing more time]) that I don't believe people when they tell me I'm funny.
I remember performing for my Youth Group about a year and a half ago and how most of what I said was censored because, well, it was church, and they couldn't have me making fun of religion and/or political parties (it's church, by "political parties," I mean "the Republican party"). After the mass censorship, I improv'd a lot, and I gave a pretty mediocre set, but everybody was praising me, telling me how great I was. You see all the doubt in my words even a year and a half later? Telling you, the reader, that it's mediocre, ignoring the laughter, disbelieving the praise. Is it perfectionism, or is it insecurity? Maybe a mixture of both. But what I can tell you is that it makes me understand how girls feel when all they do is get complimented with how they look. All the compliments I get, all the handshakes, for whateve reason, make me feel so awkward after I've performed. I feel like people are lying to me to soften the blow, or lying to themselves so that they don't want me to feel bad for my mediocrity. Who knows? Maybe it's the same mentality on why girls are always making excuses for their looks. Maybe that's the same deep-rooted unexplainable insecurity.
You may have this natural inclination to not have any sympathy for an attractive girl because things come so easily to them, and maybe that's valid, but I do think that attractive girls do have a curse later on in life when it comes to matters such as being taken seriously or weeding out who's honest. Maybe my sympathy is too far-fetched, but sometimes, I feel as though people use me for my sense of humor, which sounds like an absurd thing to say. I do love it when I make people laugh, especially a pretty girl, but when it's all they want from me and all they want me to offer, I do feel very used like there is more to me than just jokes.
Comedy is a wonderful gift. Laughter can cure so many ails. It is one of the most things about myself that I'm proud of, my ability to make people laugh. But it only takes one person out of a crowd of hundreds to not find me amusing that all the insecurities start up again. I spend all of my time trying to get that person's approval. Once I get somebody's approval, I want them to see me as more. What kind of insecurities does that show, and what kind of way is that to live one's life?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I Am Hilarious
Robert Tran 0 4: hey what if a guy aske dyou on a date via text?
carolinele84: i don't text
Robert Tran 0 4: what if a guy asked you on a date via aim?
carolinele84: eh
carolinele84: not so much
Robert Tran 0 4: what if he wrote you a note and followed you home and left it in your mailbox and he was there when you opened it to see your reaction
Robert Tran 0 4: jk
Robert Tran 0 4: i ran out of questions
carolinele84: hahahhahhaha
Robert Tran 0 4: what if
Robert Tran 0 4: he sent you an e-invitation via facebook
Robert Tran 0 4: and the event was "a date with me"
Robert Tran 0 4: and you have to rsvp
Robert Tran 0 4: yes or no
carolinele84: robert stop
Robert Tran 0 4: okay
Robert Tran 0 4: i like the last one
carolinele84: hahaha, but that last one was pretty funny
carolinele84: LOL
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
To Be Determined
Since I've been emotional lately (which is pretty much a relative term coming from me, since I've always been proclaimed as "the most emotional guy I know" by more than one person), it has been suggested that I get myself a blog. Why not, right? It would feed my ego if people read this and gave me some sort of validation that I'm a good writer, or that things that I say are agreeable. It would give me the attention that I crave if people don't like what I say, if I cause some sort of controversy, getting people to talk about me when they otherwise wouldn't. There are many advantages of getting a blog. It is just much easier to have this public forum in such a nice layout so that the meaningless words that I type have a nice backdrop, and in essence, people think that the things that I write are much smarter than they actually are.
Now that I've gotten the awkward formalities out of the way, I'm going to once again write without any transition, since the dynamics of good writing are to break the rules while knowing what the rules are (I know, confusing, right?).
A few months ago, I stretched my mind trying to figure out what "moments" are. Recently, events have been occurring that I used to care deeply about. I remember that when it was the last day of class back then, I felt like I had a role to play; I was the nostalgic sentimental fella that didn't want school to end. During prom, graduation, my first day of college, and my last day of college, I felt nothing like what I thought I was supposed to feel. Everything just felt kind of empty. The role gets really old. You want things to mean more than they really do because you want to hold on to moments. But these "milestones" like prom and bullshit like that don't really mean much in the long run. You know what moments in your life are milestones? Moments that are unexpected. Moments like having the best day ever with your favorite person inside of an obscure place, like a grocery store, where, for some reason, everything goes perfect, and you wouldn't give that up for anything in the world. Those are moments. Those are milestones.
And moments aren't supposed to be held onto anyway. They're moments for a reason. They're fleeing, they stay with our memories, and then we make more of them. You just need to rack up as many as you can.
I used to think that it was because I was getting old and jaded that I stopped caring about things so much. I recently realized that I'm just getting older and more mature (and still have a long ways to go). The amount of care and love I have is the same as it used to be, if not more; but the the mindset that I have has changed significantly. Now, if it's the "last of something" or if it's some cliched event that is supposed to mean something, I won't act like it means a lot. It was hard to lose that idealism, optimism, and sentimentalism, because it made me feel more alive, and it made life have more melodramatic moments when I felt that life was so boring and needed my emotions to keep it alive. But guess what? Those are all small prices to pay when it comes to learning how to live with peace of mind, and to live honestly, and not like a hypocrite who plays a role.
Now that I've gotten the awkward formalities out of the way, I'm going to once again write without any transition, since the dynamics of good writing are to break the rules while knowing what the rules are (I know, confusing, right?).
A few months ago, I stretched my mind trying to figure out what "moments" are. Recently, events have been occurring that I used to care deeply about. I remember that when it was the last day of class back then, I felt like I had a role to play; I was the nostalgic sentimental fella that didn't want school to end. During prom, graduation, my first day of college, and my last day of college, I felt nothing like what I thought I was supposed to feel. Everything just felt kind of empty. The role gets really old. You want things to mean more than they really do because you want to hold on to moments. But these "milestones" like prom and bullshit like that don't really mean much in the long run. You know what moments in your life are milestones? Moments that are unexpected. Moments like having the best day ever with your favorite person inside of an obscure place, like a grocery store, where, for some reason, everything goes perfect, and you wouldn't give that up for anything in the world. Those are moments. Those are milestones.
And moments aren't supposed to be held onto anyway. They're moments for a reason. They're fleeing, they stay with our memories, and then we make more of them. You just need to rack up as many as you can.
I used to think that it was because I was getting old and jaded that I stopped caring about things so much. I recently realized that I'm just getting older and more mature (and still have a long ways to go). The amount of care and love I have is the same as it used to be, if not more; but the the mindset that I have has changed significantly. Now, if it's the "last of something" or if it's some cliched event that is supposed to mean something, I won't act like it means a lot. It was hard to lose that idealism, optimism, and sentimentalism, because it made me feel more alive, and it made life have more melodramatic moments when I felt that life was so boring and needed my emotions to keep it alive. But guess what? Those are all small prices to pay when it comes to learning how to live with peace of mind, and to live honestly, and not like a hypocrite who plays a role.
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