Big Bear

My apologies for anybody that is accessing this page expecting a story about a gigantic bear.

Anyway, my first trip to Big Bear was a lot of fun. I didn't do much but did do more than I thought I would. I brought a DVD player, a book, a notebook/pen, none of which I used during my time there. I brought my notebook and pen expecting to garner some inspiration of the new surroundings, thinking that maybe the snow and the mountains would give me a heightened sense of living to write. None of that happened. I pictured myself being like one of those poets during Transcendentalism or Emile Hirsch on Into the Wild but I should've known that that's simply not me. Imagery has never been my strong suit. The reason why my fiction lacks any sort of imagery is that I can't write it. I never really care about what my surroundings are. I'm always in my own little world in my head. I'm good at writing emotions and making up emotional situations and realistic dialogue, but it lacks description. My notebook that was to be filled with a log of my time in Big Bear is nonexistent.

I feel like I'm living life backwards. Sure, it was a LOT of fun playing in the snow and having a big dinner with some very close friends of mine, but experiencing NEW things should be with a significant other. I've always said that you should be happy with who you are so that you can enjoy your own company, and I still stand by that. However, life is much more fulfilling when you've got somebody else with you. I think that being by yourself is a LUXURY, not what life SHOULD be. What I mean by this is that you should be with somebody that you love being with and then when you FINALLY have time for yourself, you should embrace it and LOVE it because you don't have that luxury so much anymore. And now that you're happy with yourself, you don't find yourself being clingy to your significant other. That's a luxury. What I have with my life is that I'm living my whole life by myself as a luxury to the point where I don't miss being alone anymore. I'm happy with myself but I can't just spend all time with myself all day everyday. It would be nice to have somebody that I can share new things with, spend time apart from, and love being by myself again.

Sure, I'm happy with myself, and I'm fine being alone. But god dammit, even I get sick of me sometimes.