Doormats and Apologies

No matter how non-confrontational I am, conflict never ceases to arise. That is just what happens when you are dealing with people in a sociable society. I've been called a drama magnet by people before, and I always thought there was something fatally wrong with me. The truth is, I'm emotional and sociable, so conflict will happen to me as long as I am the way that I am. I have strong opinions and I'm honest about them. Even when I try to have as much tact as I can, people will still hate me. It's something I've never been able to fully accept, and one of the things about myself that I need to fix. I like finding out things wrong about me and fixing them. I don't believe that people are honest with themselves enough to accept fault when it's there.

But with this honesty with myself, I have to be careful not to be a doormat. As much as I wish for people not hating me, I really despise people for getting mad at me over mundane things, like telling a joke at an inappropriate time. Sure, that sounds like a good enough reason to be upset or annoyed with me, but if I have had a good track record of listening, being reassuring, legitimately caring, can't you just let one time slide by? I think the misconception that a lot of girls have is that "guys just don't care" which may be true for the guys YOU talk to, but when you talk to ME, I bet you I listen to all that stuff with way more care than a lot of "guys" do, or what-have-you, and when you are upset over me over one incident, because you think that is somehow representative of how much I care about you entirely (which is not a lot because I told a joke at a bad time), then you are sorely mistaken, and I am highly offended. Just because I'm nice and wish people did not hate me does not mean that I'll be a doormat for such a ridiculous reason to be upset with me. Yes, it does upset me more. And yes, it is because I am more emotional, and because I care way, way too much.

I have to be fair, though, and say that the rant in the above text is not the original intent of this entry. I try so hard not to offend and hurt others. It may be for selfish reasons, who knows? But when I think about how I've hurt anybody, I really am sorry about that. Sure, if it's a result of comedy, it will be a different analysis which is separate from this. But I do think back at how I overstepped my bounds with a couple of people in my life, one that I used to talk to a lot before I stupidly told her about some sexual dream I had about her thinking that it was no big deal, and now we're no longer in touch. There's a possibility that this is one big coincidence, but I don't think so. If I had known that it would make her feel uncomfortable in any way, I would've never said it. It makes me feel awful now thinking back on it, and it just further fulfills this terrible guilt I have over my years at Regal and my subsequent firing. I feel like such a creep, and I hate feeling like that. I wish that people knew how hard I try to never ever overstep my bounds, which gets accusations from others that I'm too shy. I just fear that when I'm not, I'll go too extreme the other way and it'll cause much discomfort and ultimately cost a friendship, which it did. Another person I feel like I overstepped my bounds with a lot is a girl in high school that I was never close to, but I always felt like I came on way too strong to her because she was very attractive, I was 17, and I wasn't as considerate as I am now, especially when it came to joking and flirting. I didn't realize how much I had probably creeped her out six years ago until I tried to add her on Facebook last year, with our 40+ mutual friends, and she denied my request, or the cold greeting she gave me at Target a few months ago. I don't know what to do. I don't want to die alone, which I'm so deathly afraid of, but I'm equally if not more afraid than ever making a girl feel uncomfortable again. I just wish sometimes that I can apologize to everybody for everything that I ever did. Being sorry is all I have sometimes.