Dying

Crazy how the mind wanders sometimes when one can't sleep. The other day, I was thinking bitterly about how badly I'd been treated by so many people in my life. I was pretty angry at the world for some pretty trivial reasons, like how I couldn't sleep and how I couldn't move because I was afraid I would wake up the dog. So my mind just went through all the people and all the things they did to me. And then I thought about a good friend of mine, a really really good friend, who had always told me about all of her guy problems, and I would tell her about all of my girl problems. I thought about how we lost contact after she started her first real relationship, how I'd told her about it, and how she'd expressed her sorrow about it to a friend of hers, but never really apologized to me. She did apologize for being a bad friend, but just went about doing what she had always been doing. Let me ask you this: what is the point of apologizing for anything if you're just going to keep doing it? If there's one thing that I can't stand more than inconsiderateness it's disingenuousness. I got so angry at her because she had hurt me so bad, and even angrier that she had told my friend about it which undoubtedly made me look like a drama queen.

I was already so angry thinking about all the other people, but my anger fixated on her. I was thinking about how I would act when I next saw her, about how she would be excited to see me, and how all the anger I'd felt for the past year over losing a good friend would spew out. I would angrily ask her why she acts like she cares about me. She would get sad. I would tell her that she's dead to me. And I would hope that it would devastate her. I fantasized about how I would die after saying that, and how awful she would feel, and hoping that I could see in the afterlife, getting my passive aggressive revenge on her by dying and making her live the rest of her life in guilt. I was so mad at her.

And then I wondered if that would even be a revenge, or if I would ever see my own funeral? I wondered what happens when we die, and how it's all speculation. I thought about how I got this impending feeling of doom, like I was going to die that very night for jinxing myself, never thinking about anything ever again. I had always felt that there was a higher power, but then felt at that very moment that it was all lies. I lay in bed, thinking about how my last memory before I die would be of her and how bad she would feel, and how I would die knowing that and then never being. I would be gone.

I thought about how I would die one day, and how terrifying it was. I started tearing up at the thought that we're all mortals, and how terrifying the aftermath would be. I thought about how Hell would even be better, because I would still be living in some way. I thought about non-existence, and how it would feel like just sleeping forever. I thought about all the things I'd accomplished in my life, what I'm happy and unhappy about, and how all of it would become obsolete when I take my last breath and there would be nothing left for me in this world. I would be nothing. My brain would be dead. People would mourn and pray for me, but it would be too late, because I'd never see it. I almost cried thinking about this.

And then I fell asleep.